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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Photographic Evidence

"But it is a cold, lifeless business when you go to the shops to buy something, which does not represent your life and talent, but a goldsmith's." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Gifts," Essays, Second Series, 1844

So that I might end on a high note (pun beyond intended. I went to the pun store and found that and brought it back) dover here until Mac Fest 2007 I figured I'd post a little something that I did over at Indie Bloggers as my gift to you. Y'all I am loving that site like it's my baby (even better that I have the lovely Swiss and Stacy). So I'm a momma bear and be good to my little cub. Visit, sign up and enjoy and apparently I put out, so that might be fun as well.

When I’m bored I procrastinate and being that the internet is a procrastinator’s wet dream, then that is where I head. So imagine my surprise during my regularly scheduled perusal to see a picture of myself in all my bathing suit glory. Right there staring at me, smiling in a two piece suit that was something like two sizes too small and my lord the fat rolls that were spilling out of the edges. It was like pork stuffed into sausage casing. That is if fresh sausage had a massive fro and oily skin.

In a word: Hideous.

And my own feelings of hideousness aside, it was in public and right there on the internet for everyone and their brother’s mother’s cousin to see: Me, with my poofy hair and giant hips meant for birthing five at a time comfortably. And all I could think and still think is oh my fuck.

Though this not just about me being terribly embarrassed, but also about the manifestation of my stalker tendencies and the way in which I almost daily look at pictures of friends and foes and strangers alike; as today I happened upon an unsightly picture of a close friend and had to stifle my laughter. And when I came to, I made wondered whether or not this friend knew of these unflattering pictures*. In fact do most people know that every picture of them snapped with eyes a flutter due ghastly flash, has the possibility of ending up on the internet? While I’m sure most are aware that it’s a possibility there is nothing worse than seeing yourself in a bathing suit on Flickr or MySpace or wherever the hell ever.

What creeps me out more about the entire thing is the way in which EVERYONE can see these pictures. I mean if I can find a picture of someone with a goofy ass smile rocking Lees from 1989 on some random website, anyone can. And it’s all anonymous…and excuse me while I breathe into this paper bag. Because oh my hell, I don’t look at pictures of myself in a bathing suit ever nor do I have any that weren’t distorted with burned edges, because – and I repeat – rolls of fat.

So just be careful out there, not with the pictures that you throw out there, because if your friends are anything like me they’ll see that picture and die a horrible death after falling head first onto a floor and forget all about the picture and focus less on the elliptical. But! Be careful and be sure not to be caught drunk in a hot tub in your bathing suit. For my sake and yours, people; Mesh shorts. Just sayin’.

*This person is actually pretty fucking that we're all on the same page here.


Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

I have had to, on many an occasion, chastise my good friend for putting, what I think, are the worst possible pictures she could find of me on her blog and then issuing witty captions like "catching flies?"

8:08 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

My whole thing is that if people are posting awful pictures of me for the entire fucking world to see, I would want to know about it. As I assume that others would want to know if unflattering pictures of them were out there. Just seems like the nice thing to do.

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Spazz said...

I just found out that someone posted the pictures from the company holiday party on our website. The red dress that I felt like Marilyn Monroe in at the time makes me look like Mr. Kool-Aid in the photos. I'm devising a way to delete it, but having no joy.

4:48 PM  
Blogger Egan said...

Um, did you state in this post that you're pregnant? I was reading between the lines and that's what I gathered. Oh, the Indie Blogger site is very cool. The three founders are to be complimented on their hard work. Hats off to you and "them".

I stalk your buddy, Mamalikey, via her Flickr account. You do have to be careful what you put on the net.

5:09 PM  
Blogger R2K said...

: )

11:38 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Spazz: yeah, we won't even go there. In my Holiday party pictures I look like hell.

Egan: Why thank you. I've heard some...uh...things...about you. ;-)

r2k: oooh emoticons. I feel so special.

11:59 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I also neglected to mention that this picture was from a little over a year ago. It's just a nice little reminder that the gym is my friend.

12:00 PM  

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