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Friday, January 05, 2007

Date night

"Let's face it: a date is a job-interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.” Jerry Seinfeld

My last good date was innocuous at best and hardly memorable, though a success because neither of us puked in the dorm bathroom and I didn’t have to do the walk of shame the next morning. He ended up marrying this past summer, clad in a seersucker suit, and I was appreciative knowing that I would never have to marry a guy who wore summer materials mid-January and dipped his French fries in mayonnaise while rubbing my upper torso in the middle of a crowded dining hall. In a word: relieved.

I haven’t been all that anal about getting into dating once again, because I’m in no rush and I cannot handle the presence of another person on a semi-regular basis. Especially one that insists on touching me and holding hand. Even so, a little practice could never hurt and my first victim – Rachel - fell prey to me on New Year’s Eve and evening in which I realized that as a date I am one who not only is never ready on time, but also demands that the date pay for my Coldstone addiction and then has my mother pay for our meals at the ever fancy Friday’s and afterwards I proceed to become drunk on my mother’s couch and ate an entire bowl of guacamole. Thankfully though I got my victim to sleep in my bed and at the end was told that I’m just like a real live male.

The next morning I reviewed my over full protruding stomach and realized that I had no clean socks and figured that I should make some serious strides at becoming less male and hairy and getting women into my bed, and more girl-like, I suppose. So I planned for my next victim to be this week during inauguration festivities. I was determined to show her – yes, Her. I said PRACTICE, not “Oh you there with the six pack abs, come hither and buy me some wine” - a good time. I was prepared to schmooze and to hold my alcohol and to get us into concerts that were something like $1000 per ticket, because no, I did not pay $1000 to get in, but will gladly partake in these crab cakes.

And let me tell you, after two nights of extensive open bar-ing and blowing air kisses and pretending as if I was actually cool and could totally and modestly dance to Wyclef without spilling Cab. Saugv. all over my pink sweater. She didn’t even bat an eyelash when I attempted to chase a former Law and Order star around the bar. Earlier today I received an google chat message from the person I had catered to for the past few nights, surely that is a good sign; when one stops during a day to thank the person who brought him/her out. I am apparently a great date and even better that though I did get her drunk, I hailed her a cab on more than one occasion and never, ever even tried to get her into bed.

So apparently I am a good date. And maybe in a year or ten, I’ll test out my skills with actual boys. Maybe.


Blogger Namaste said...

Why not just stick with girls? Sounds like more fun. :)

6:21 PM  
Blogger KassyK said...

I'm with Namaste...Lol. Heather B. you are always a great date. I cannot imagine it would ever NOT be fun to hang with you.

That being said I feel you. I went on my first real date after the ex soon after the breakup and was giggling to myself the whole time that I was on a DATE. With a boy. :)

After a year of not wanting to date, I am finally ready to somewhat try it. Although I'd prefer we go straight to the sex and not do all the girly things.

Maybe we should start a dating club for girls that act like guys. I think Velvet would be perfect as our third member. :)

7:07 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

I hate dating for the whole job-interview reason. Last time I dated was about 40 lbs ago, too. So here I sit, glass of red wine in hand...

I looked at online personals ads and had the sad realization that, at 45, I want the same thing men want: a hot 27-year-old, not someone my own age. ESPECIALLY not someone who looks and acts my age.

11:08 PM  
Blogger EDW said...

It is so important to date someone who understands you must stalk former ADA's if they appear in front of you. I am married, and thus do not date, nor do I call my outings with my husband dating, but he is understanding of my need to follow around the bar the small, dirty man who cheated on Uma. I invested a lot of time in watching Reality Bites before I figured out she should have gone with Ben Stiller at the end.

Sounds like a perfect date, actually.

12:22 AM  
Blogger CGHill said...

Remind me never to mention my age (which is fifty-three) again.


11:31 AM  
Blogger Pagan Marbury said...

Kassy I'll join that club!

9:56 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

That's what my gay male friends were for -- practicing my dating skills. They also would tell me if an outfit worked or not. Seriously. I did this during the time I took a two-year hiatus from dating. When I was ready to return to dating, I was a lot more confident.

2:01 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

You sound like a fantastic date! Any time you need to practice, just let me know--I'm all about crab cakes and Cab, baby!

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Gooseberried said...

Haha! I like this idea of practicing. I think I need it! ;)

10:04 PM  
Anonymous Lena said...

Oh, how I've missed you Heather. Why do I stay away so long? Lo-ser.

2:54 AM  
Anonymous Lena said...

Oh, right. Also? My mentioning that I missed you was also supposed to convey that this post rocked.

2:55 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I realized this weekend that the problem is that I'm not really ready to date. I feel like I need to get my shit together - like really fucking together - because seriously people, I'm a damn mess.

Oh and Lena, where have you been all my life?? ;-)

9:00 AM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Enjoy it now, this urge to NOT date, because it sucks when it does hit and it's this all encompassing urge to flirt and be flirted with. And then, and then! you might find someone that you actually like (gasp) and then your life is over.

Well that is what the crazy person in my head is saying anyway. The sane person in me says get on with it already--Love/Lust is great!

12:39 PM  
Anonymous Lawyerish said...

You know what's weird? I never really dated. I have been on maybe three bona fide dates in my entire life; other than that, I always became friends with a guy and ended up having it become a relationship. And then, eventually, I became friends with a guy, it became a relationship and then we got married. The end!

Thank God, too, because the whole dating THING? I would completely suck at it. Mostly because after ten seconds of a date with someone I didn't instantly like, I would be all, "NOPE! NEXT!"

And that's just not nice.

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Sweet said...

The thing is, will you ever be ready? As someone who runs away from dating too, I don't think I'll ever be. But eventually I'm going to have to suck it up and put myself out there again. Maybe we should go on a double date together! Ha!

5:18 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

carey lowell's story line sucked. i still win because i ran into fred thomas!! muahahahahahahahha.

the good thing about dating is that you are in a position (as a female with class and wits) to demand a PROPER date. that means you meet up/he picks you up, you go out in public, do an activity, and then you go home alone. Reject all advances that begin with either "let's watch DVDs" or "let's meet up in Adam's Morgan." No muther-effer you are going to take me out for a nice steak dinner and say good night like a gentleman! ahem.

11:29 PM  

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