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Sunday, January 28, 2007

Shifting ways

“Probably no man ever had a friend that he did not dislike a little.” ~E.W. Howe

I used to be friends with a girl named Megan and with her and two others, we became as cliquey as possible and given that we all lived within .03 miles of each other, it was a certain that we would spend hours and hours together. We were practically inseparable and weekends involved sleepovers and Seagram’s wine coolers and my phone had to be surgically removed from my face every evening after two hours of discussing Megan’s recent sexploits with her lanky, clod of a boyfriend, Chuck. Let’s just say we had countless conversations about the art of fellatio. They were even doing it behind the bowling alley at midnight bowling, which reminds me that I should thank my mother for denying me the God given right to bowl after 12 AM.

One weekend, a few weeks before my 16th birthday, we had a falling out over something innocuous that ended up with her yelling at me outside of the Macy’s in Colonie Center. This after I spent $3.84 on a nail polish from the GAP to give to her so that she would take me back as a friend. Because to me, giving people things was the only way I knew how to make them like me. If I keep reading over that last sentence, my head aches with knowing the way I wanted, nay, needed to please people to make them want me as a friend because I had apparently fallen. Hard. And hit my head on the corner of some table and punctured my skull, and that is how I ended up brainless and an idiot.

The fight, at the time, left me bitter and resentful. Which manifested itself into a behavior, wherein I went out of my way to get Sarah and Lauren, the other two in our little gaggle, to see my ‘side’ and they did. We had established that Megan was an evil whore with 666 tattooed on her left butt cheek, which is why she was so damn difficult and prone to throwing things (in public) and punching walls.

In the next week the fellatio giving Megan, ended up with mono and was guaranteed to be out for weeks. One would think that a debilitating illness would keep that whore at bay, but alas not and in her infinite wisdom and realization that I had gotten her friends against her, she called and cursed me out and politely requested that I drop dead and get herpes. I thanked her and told her that I hoped her Chlamydia cleared up soon as well as those carpet burns on her knees from being on them so much giving head and then hung up and went to pack.

I was packing for my 16th birthday trip to Chicago. It was fate that my aunt had been trying for years to get tickets to Oprah and when she finally got through to the operators they offered her three dates, one of which was my 16th birthday, the magic age at which one is allowed to be in the studio audience. So off we were going to see Oprah and so that my already fat ass could enjoy such luxuries as Cheesecake Factory and Giordano’s deep-dish meat filled, artery-clogging pizza. I’d point out the wonder that was being at Oprah, but alas we did not get a free car and I didn’t get free hair care products or a sample from Emeril’s new cookbook or even a chance to lick her and ask what it’s really like to be a multi-millionaire, as she wasn’t yet a billionaire. Though I did get to shake her hand and I haven’t washed my right hand since October 26, 1999.

The show topic was about “Friendshifts”: The inevitable loss and addition of friends as we get older and come into our own. It’s just something that happens that isn’t necessarily out of malice and is due to more than a nail polish being thrown and shattered on the sidewalk. As it happens, over the years, I’ve tried my damndest to maintain most friendships. I’m still friends with my best friend from Kindergarten as well as my best friend from Girl Scout Camp. Though over the years I’ve gained and lost many friends but never because I didn’t try or so I don’t think Those fostered are important to me, though I’m nowhere near a fantastic friend and infallible. Trust me, I’m actually prone to passive aggressive behavior and I yell and sometimes I’ll eat your pizza when your back is turned. But if anything I try to be loyal. I don’t want people remembering my awful behavior seven years earlier, with hurt and disdain. I wouldn’t want people that I’m no longer friends with to thank God that I’m no longer in their lives as I do with Megan. I don’t want anyone wishing that I forget to get a tetanus shot and then drunkenly puncture my arm on a rusty nail.

In the end I haven’t a clue as to what happened to Megan, except that she returned to school and wanted to be friends again and then started taking Metabolife at the suggestion of her mother. She sent me a message via Facebook, which I promptly deleted and though I should be over her discretions, I obviously am not. And thinking of it now, that probably makes me as person, even worse. For if I can’t get over shit from seven years prior than I couldn’t possibly expect for my friends to get over my eternally pissy and bitchy ways. But thankfully, they are far better than I and considerably more forgiving. They also don’t require trinkets and gifts as a sign of my undying devotion. And as far as I know, none of them have punched a wall or thrown a glass at my head during a fight. And let’s pray that they don’t think Seagram’s winterberry wine coolers are a ‘classy’ drink.

20 Comments:

Anonymous Schnozz said...

(Wait ... are "Megan" and "Emily" the same person? I'm confused, but I'm thinking they must be.)

I couldn't agree with you more that some friendships are better left in the past. It's a lesson I've had to learn the hard way, so good for you for knowing what you need in a friendship!

7:41 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Lord, only I would go and fuck that up. Awesome.

Anyway, yes some are worth it, some are not. Live and learn and blah, blah, blah.

7:46 PM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

When we go out for drinks, I promise to do my best not to wing glassware at your head. No promises, though...

8:52 PM  
Anonymous LisaBinDaCity said...

You know I adore you so please don't take this the wrong way...

Obviously my loyalty is to you but weren't you at fault too? Didn't you turn your mutual friends against Megan? That would have crushed me by the way. I'm not saying you two should ever be friends again, because obviously that is not possible. I'm just saying it usually takes two people to end a friendship.

I am a really loyal friend too and I've been there...

8:00 AM  
Blogger metalia said...

I totally agree that some friendships expire; I think we "outgrow" certain friends over time.

(Oh, and you dredged up such memories with your talk of wine coolers. I was a Bartles & James girl myself, back in the day...)

9:06 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Mystery Girl!: Ok good. And I'll do my best not to drink any winecoolers. No promises though.

LisaB: No worries. Of course I was wrong. I was also 15 and it's like some rule in High School that if someone fucks you over, you take them out. I repeat, 15, not that that makes it any better and not that I'm perfect now, but ya know, it was High School. Do I do that now? No. Instead I pussy foot around the issue until I get irritated enough. I hope that by the time I'm 30 I'm not longer trying to fuck over people who have been bitchy to me nor am I passive aggressive. But, we'll see.

Metalia: Exactly. It's not like I go out of my way to remove friends, it just happens. Just how life is, I suppose.

9:14 AM  
Anonymous gorillabuns said...

it seems a lot of my friendships have been losing favor lately. i'd like to think they suck as friends and i'm the innocent bystander in their wreckage but i'm sure i have something to do with their dismissals.

11:02 AM  
Blogger Namaste said...

yeah...sometimes you gotta close the door and not look back. people who throw things and punch walls are not worth your time. not your fault--theirs!

11:32 AM  
Blogger Bone said...

Though I did get to shake her hand and I haven't washed my right hand since October 26, 1999.

And most people probably think you're joking about that.

I've only had one major falling out with a friend that I can recall. And he was a bit psychotic, in that his-mother-would-call-and-tell-his-ex-girlfriend-to-leave-her-son-alone-even-though-she-had-broken-up-with-him kind of way.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Mocha said...

You may have fucked up the names, but seriously I read it as "Friendshits" the first time through.

Heather, you are growing and changing in the best possible ways. Especially that greenish, mossy growth on your right hand. Good stuff there, Zygote Supreme.

Oh, and NOW? I want Giodano's pizza. Fuuuuck. (p.s. I replied to your heaving-breasts question about my nephew)

3:22 PM  
Anonymous laurie said...

I hadn't thought of Seagrams wine coolers in AGES!

I met a woman last year named Christine who told me her friendships have gone in cycles, and that just about every seven years she has a basically new set of friends. She said it's just the way her life has grown and changed, that people are in each other's lives during periods when ya'll are all in similar life phases or something, then as you grow and change so does your social circle.

Also, there may have been wine involved in this epiphany. LOL. But at least not wine coolers!

I can relate to the people pleasing thing so bad it hurts.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Gorillabuns: I keep saying that the common denominator is me...sad but true.

Namaste: Yeah, so true. Not to mention that in general she was pretty lame.

Bone: Dude, you have some interesting friends. And yes I am joking. Maybe.

Mocha: Heh, 'heaving breasts'. Heh, 'friendshits'. I was probably going to say more but I keep laughing like an idiot.

Also did anyone else notice that this post is like a freaking epic??

4:34 PM  
Blogger Isabel said...

I think my comment was eaten.

5:22 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I love this: "...and sometimes I'll eat your pizza when your back is turned." Hilarious.

I think the fact that you might still get upset when you think about her doesn't make you a bad person. The end of a friendship is really painful, even if she wasn't someone that you'd still want as a friend.

6:17 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I've been hanging on to a friendship for a couple of years now, and I'm not completely sure why. Just when I'm ready to write it off, it seems to revive itself.

6:29 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Laurie: That's exactly it. It's cyclical and I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. Dude, now I'm craving a wine cooler. Help!

Isabel: No worries. It's the thought that counts.

Lisa: Why thank you. Also things just happen to suck more when you're 15. I'm pretty sure we fought over her birthday party though I can't remember the specifics. Either way it's dumb and yet I still remember it.

Liz: That always happens and it's hard to just let them go. I never know what to do in those situations. So yeah, good luck with that.

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Gooseberried said...

I must say...what a cute post!

8:04 PM  
Anonymous Birdie said...

Friendshifts.... oh I know it well, know the pain of loss when you jump some new hurdle and your old friend still treads water, still waits for the jump to lower to some acceptable standard.

Thanks for this, you have no idea how much reading this helped me today.

8:17 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Gooseberried: Awww, thanks.

Birdie: Don't thank me, thank Oprah.

10:42 PM  
Anonymous beej said...

Friends. They can suck and they can rock. Good to know that I'm not the only one :)

PS - I HEART your blog...just found it today because of Carnival of the Mundane (which I am a sometimes-active participant)

-beej

3:06 AM  

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