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Sunday, April 08, 2007

Always the bearer of good news

“Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is most important.” ~Carl Reiner

On Friday afternoon, after a rousing morning of sitting on my ass and then lunch and then a slight OH SHIT panic attack on the walk home, I settled down to stare at Jason Morgan for an hour and then some Oprah. Unlike others, I have no strong feelings towards Oprah. I’m ambivalent at best. I’ve been known to read ‘O’ and went to a taping, but I don’t believe that everything that comes out of her mouth is gospel which means that I also do not believe that she can walk on water.

So, she’s talking and getting America’s opinion on everything from Elizabeth Edwards to Anna Nicole Smith to Cadbury cream eggs: love ‘em or hate ‘em? And then she goes onto speaking of single women as this really fantastic demographic destined to a life of singledom 51% of the time. Then she decides to throw out the real kicker, the coup de grace of single statistics: 70% of black women are single and will likely stay that way forever.

I wasn’t sure whether or not to dramatically roll my eyes at the absurdity of such a statement, die, or drown my sorrows in a large bottle of Maker’s Mark. For if I’m to be perpetually single then why not just drink my way through life and indulge in chocolate fashioned Easter baskets EVERY SINGLE DAY?

Her reasons were something along the lines of black women waiting for their perfect black male soul mate and given the ratio of successful black women to the successful black men that they envision themselves with, was something like 50,000:1. Again, all of this according to the high priestess Oprah.

Obviously the validity of this might very well be skewed and I have probably mentioned before that I could give a fuck if a male is black or fluorescent magenta, I’m just interested in MEN. Period. So it might be possible that this whole 70% thing may not pertain to me. Or perhaps things could change before 2025. Who the fuck knows? I figure it’s best to not obsess about such trivial matters. And if I do end up single for the remainder of my life, it will have less to do with any specific criteria I have for a future partner and more to do with the really classy way I just housed a box of gummy bears and a Godiva chocolate bunny.

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11 Comments:

Blogger SUEB0B said...

Well, I'm in the "more likely to be killed by a terrorist" demographic, myself (I know that stat is BS but still).

My ex- told me that I was going to die a lonely old spinster. Better that than to be stuck with his mean ass, i think.

5:37 PM  
Anonymous em said...

Statistics, as we all know, can be easily manipulated, and they are by no means a death sentence no matter what the subject (unless of course the statistic is on death sentences themselves).

Flourescent Magenta Man is out there somewhere Woman! And I bet he bakes a mean cupcake.

Happy Easter, and God Bless.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

suebob: I'm probably in the 'more likely to get stabbed or shot by a sniper' category. Which, awesome. And we can be spinsters together with our vodka tonics.

em: He better make me some cupcakes! That's up there with 'sense of humor' and 'must enjoy the Coach store'

9:17 PM  
Blogger Jonna said...

That's exactly the kind of comment Oprah makes that makes me want to stab her in the face with something very sharp. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but the whole editorializing bit of why the statistic is true is probably what's got me all pissy.

That, and she's under some sort of false notion that IS the definitive resource on what it's like to be a black woman, when again, for God's sake, the woman has no idea, given that she has no earthly idea of what it's like to be an average human being of ANY gender or color, honestly.

Ahem.

See? I am SCARY when it comes to Oprah

10:48 PM  
Blogger Dagny said...

First of all, thank you, Jonna, for stating that Oprah really has no clue how the rest of us live.

Secondly, I am suddenly remembering why I don't watch Oprah all that often these days.

Finally, I don't think that we are included in that stat as I too do not limit myself black men. Never have, never will. I figure who's inside the body is much more important than things like skin color.

11:54 PM  
Blogger jessabean said...

Hi Heather,

I'm de-lurking here. Great post! I used to watch Oprah, but something about the fantastic giveaways every other show, plus seeing her face on every single cover of her magazine turned me off. She's gotten too "showy."

I certainly hope that other TV viewers don't take that statistic is the truth because Oprah said so. Because that would just be sad.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Isabel said...

WHAT, you don't think that Oprah walks on water???!!

(I kid...she sort of bugs me. So it's cool.)

I like what Suebob had to say. Better to die alone then with a stupid boy. Hooray.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Heather Anne said...

Gummy bears and a Godiva chocolate bunny. The Easter bunny really likes you.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I feel like I need to write a follow up NO, I do not believe everything that comes out of that woman's mouth, type post. Just to reinforce the fact that my stupidity does have its limits.

Oh and yes Heather Anne the Easter bunny was very good to me.

5:32 PM  
Anonymous CGHill said...

The one thing I really appreciate about Oprah is that I never have to wonder who's gonna be on the cover of her magazine.

Beyond that, not so much.

8:24 PM  
Anonymous Pink Herring said...

I hardly ever weatch The O, but I happened to be at the gym at 4pm and I saw part of that episode. It got me pretty riled up, too (although I was off the treadmill by the time she got to the 70% statistic, I only saw up to 51% of women are single OMG). I wanted to punch the woman who insisted that "marriage is the bedrock of our society, we need more married people around" in the face. Of course, she is married. She thinks everyone should be like her. Then she gets debated by a woman who thinks she's straight out of Sex and the City, except her face is too busted to be a Sam Jones, a singleton who -- surprise -- thinks everyone should be like her! The entire 15 minutes that I saw (I know, I need to work out more) was just people saying "everyone should be like me" and The O giving "you go girls" to the single woman.

O knows how to do one thing right -- get people talking about her.

12:41 PM  

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