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Thursday, April 05, 2007

Welcome to the District of Columbia

“What is the city but the people?” ~William Shakespeare

Sometime yesterday afternoon I was sent a forward from the always useful and capable Metropolitan Police Department. They of infamous double parking and being generally unhelpful roughly 89.9% of the time. Except for those times when they choose to holler at me and/or stare and I choose to return their ‘niceness’ with my patented scowl/eyebrow raise combination and maybe the finger.

Yesterday’s email described attacks taking place in the Capitol Hill/Eastern Market areas, where a presumably homeless person in a red jacket has been going around stabbing people in the neck and back then running off. Before victims realize what has actually happened they experience a “burning sensation” in their back and then come to the astute realization that some psycho motherfucker has just stabbed them in the back. Which, you know…is almost as awesome as that time that we had snipers.

In the evening I decided to walk from where I was in south east to north east – across capitol hill – to a friend’s home. I had forgotten about crazy knife wielding man, though was thankful upon remembering that I was wearing my super cross country adidas and it’s easier to escape a knife than a rifle. But of course, every step I heard behind me on my mile long walk, gave me severe heart palpitations, but hopefully I’d be able to out run the motherfucker or have the where with all to step on the opposite side of the street upon seeing a red jacket clad man, dancing in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue and picking through the garbage. Just a thought.

Though it’s 7:30 PM, it’s still rather light outside. As I approach north east’s Stanton park, I’m still aware of my surroundings and see in the park a woman with a dog on the other side and a man on his bike then a black male standing in front of a bench. I look back towards the man at the bench and see an arching stream of water. But the arch…well it is controlled by the man standing at the bench. And well, there’s a homeless man peeing. In the middle of the park. In broad daylight. While some man pushes a stroller across Mass Ave.

The man finishes and sees me. Not that I’m still staring at him pissing in the park but because I start to walk a little faster as I can see him coming towards me out of my peripherals. And what does that motherfucker do? He starts yelling at me: “HEY HONEY! HEY GIRL! WHY YOU WALKING SO FAST?!? SHAKING THAT ASS!” For the record, I was sweaty and had shoved my fat ass into lycra.

At which point I died or at least contemplated moving to Ottawa. I mean, I’m sure in Ottawa, they don’t have snipers or knife wielding mental hospital escapees or homeless people pissing in the park exactly 3/10ths of a mile from their CAPITOL BUILDING.

Now tell me you don’t want to live here; with the brilliant hummer drivers, the Beltway, members of Congress and park pissers. Oh yes, and the Cherry Blossoms.

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16 Comments:

Anonymous zandria said...

Oh, wow! That's some scary stuff. I hadn't heard about the crazy guy stabbing people in the back. Can you imagine? You're walking along and suddenly you feel a burning sensation? That's insane!!!

10:39 AM  
Anonymous chirky said...

Freak. Out.

I actually had a dream about this last night, except not specifically DC and not specifically a homeless man in a red jacket, and for that matter, it wasn't really a dream, either. It was more that I was awake at 4 a.m. and couldn't stop thinking about scary things, and then started imagining what it must feel like to be stabbed, and at that point I didn't bother going back to sleep again because my imagination?

IS OVERACTIVE.

10:54 AM  
Blogger mist1 said...

Do you want me to tell you how to make a homemade Taser out of a disposable camera?

Not that I have one or anything.

11:38 AM  
Blogger honeykbee said...

You're spot on about the screwdriver dude --equally as scary as the sniper.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

zandria: yeah, I guess the whole thing started yesterday or something.

chirky: so you've been saved from my snoring and I from you waking up at 4 AM because of a dream you may or may not have had. This is good. ;-)

mist1: why does this fact not surprise me? Oh and yes, please.

honeykbee: It's like you're going about your normal activities then bam...you get shot or stabbed in the back.

I'm off to contact Mayor Fenty now about some new DC slogans.

Like: Welcome to DC! Don't forget your bullet proof vest!

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Leah said...

I think you need to invest in some sort of protective bubble. I'm sure you can order something like that online...

7:31 PM  
Anonymous sassymonkey said...

Actually last year some guy decided to pee on the War Memorial, which is fairly close to the Parliament Buildings, in Ottawa...on Canada Day (yes he was drunk). Someone took a picture and he was identified. He was charged with mischief but the charges were later dropped after a public apology, community service and a donation to charity.

And in Ottawa they do have snipers but they are military snipers who perch on the Parliament Buildings and surrounding buildings during large outdoor ceremonies (it's sometimes amusing to play "spot the sniper").

11:18 PM  
Blogger metalia said...

Oh dear lord. Crazy hobos accosting you? Who do you think you are...me?!

12:06 AM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

Here in the Capital of Something, we have lots n lots of crazy homeless people, Mexican dudes sucking their teeth at me (Hello! Senor Huevon! I weigh 205 lbs!) and crazy drunk white dudes that have stumbled out of the bikini bar covered in glitter from lap dances. So far, no stabbings. I have slept on the floor a couple times from the gunfire. But we have a beach, dammnit, and it makes it all worthwhile.

12:48 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

And the pollen. All the fucking pollen.

8:56 AM  
Anonymous nabbalicious said...

Ahh! That's freaky.

The other night I had some crack addict knocking on my car window while I was doing ATM business at night (not smart, I know, but it had to be done). I just yelled at him to go away, because come on, like you're going to get jack shit from a woman who is alone and clearly is NOT a crack addict at 10 p.m.

Anyway, yeah. Last time I got to the ATM at night.

9:46 AM  
Anonymous stephanie said...

I live pretty much right in the middle of where the two attacks took place. I think one of the scariest things is that both of them took place in the morning, during regular commute time... so now I not only have to be super aware of my surroundings when it is dark out, but I have to wake up out of my morning fog now too?

Perhaps needless to say I have stayed at my boyfriend's place in Arlington the last two nights. I am going to need to go home tonight though, and I'm pretty freaked out. I know the chances of anything happening are pretty slim, but still... yikes.

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Sweet said...

Worst opener ever.

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Sweet said...

and to clairify, i meant him trying to meet you, not the beginning of your blog post. ha! ;-)

10:44 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

The back-stabbing crazy really is frightening. And I hate being yelled at by homeless guys. DC, where are taxes go to...um...fighting crime? Right.

3:05 PM  
Blogger LJ said...

This still really creeps me out... I'd gotten an email about this being wrapped up late last week, and then saw something I think in the DCist this week that it's not all resolved [argh].

7:39 AM  

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